I really enjoyed work today. It's not as awful as I thought and I think I like it more than my old store which is weird.

What I did not like though is the awful basement pipe that juts out of the wall in the stairway. I smashed my shoulder into it today. Fairly certain that I either broke or fractured my clavical. I really hope I did neither as either will hamper my plans for my birthday tomorrow. It is all bright red from broke blood vessels and a giant gash to boot. Thank god for England and the massive cache of codeine I did not smuggle back.

Thanks starbucks, awesome birthday present!

Things that have happened in the life of Brian:
My iPod broke. Apparently my car is hot enough to melt solder. If it weren't for that I'd be sad. But I like to think my car has some amazing super power yet to be harnessed. Like Superman in his early years.
Went to the iPod store where they told me it'd cost $129 to replace. If it weren't for the outrageously cute genius telling me this I'd be more upset about having an expensive yet useless box of wires.
Got outstandingly drunk while having a small family dinner which rapidly turned into a dinner party gathering of literally everyone new mommy knows. I enjoyed it far more making muttering commentary, which undoubtedly wasn't muttering at all.
I keep having awful immigration dreams. This one involved them just stamping DENIED in blue ink in my passport 4 times and telling me I had to stay in the Terminal. It was not fun. I'm sort of depending on Aoife's boyfriend writing me a letter of invitation. I don't think I'll need it but it will help if anything happens. Hopefully he'll send it.
I'm supposed to start work tomorrow. I say supposed to because I haven't filled out any paper work and was supposed to get a call for the now past 3 days. I called today and they said they would call me tomorrow morning. I'm not going to answer the phone when they call, not just to be a prick, but to force them to accept that I'm not at their beck and call.
Otherwise my life consists of random trips to target where I decide I'll buy a bookcase, lug it into my cart and then just before buying it change my mind and put it back. This after putting it back on the shelf twice and getting another bookcase. This is how I shop and I'm sure it's hilarious to watch. At least I do actually need a book case and its not one of my usual bizarre purchases of french mayonnaise or seaweed candy. (one was a very bad idea, the other was a very good idea, I'm sure which is which is quite obvious.)
Never actually went to MOMA which made me sad. I'm planning a non-repeat, repeat on saturday if that makes sense.
I've also have had excellent hair days recently.

That is all.

Like a Train wreck you can't help but look.
I'm aware that is vague and ambiguous, but it makes sense to me and should to people who I talk to everyday. I'm fairly certain I may throw a party, certainly I'll get celebratory drinks when this story comes to its fitting conclusion. And yes I'm aware that I'm going to hell for celebrating the misery of others. But really they had it coming, and Karma's a bitch.
/End or Vague\

So I've thought about things and have realised just how desperate the mall is to have me, which means I can dictate more what I want/will do, which is very nice. I'm meeting them tomorrow to see what the story is.

I'm torn on how to feel about visiting Brighton. I'm glad to get to see Aoife and others. I'm just not sure what I'm going to actually do for two weeks. I'll figure it out.

Anyway (to help me try to remember what I actually do) Today I made homemade cards like the ones I made for Nicole's Birthday and Aoife's. I really like crafting sometimes. Uh. Also mailed out a card for Aoife and figured out I'm not getting enough protein

I'm supposed to to go to MOMA tomorrow with some friends and by go I mean I've been convinced to leave my house even though I'd rather sit in the dark and watch repeats on television.

The last time I was in a Modern Art Museum was in late January I think, when I went to London for the weekend. I thoroughly loved the Tate Modern. I want to just put it in my pocket and carry it everywhere. I hope MOMA is half as good as the Tate Modern, or failing that, that the gift shop is good. We all know how much I loves me a gift shop. I'm going to bring my mega huge camera and document the trip of course.

I'm actually really excited about it, the last time I was in the city, proper was New Years, which was a fantastic time.

I've also joined a gym and have started to hardcore run and cycle. I really enjoy the clarity I get from it and that's one thing I missed when I was in Brighton, far too much rain and not enough fairly flat places to run manically. Give me time and I'll be back to doing the Free Yoga that the TV company gives via On Demand. So between the loveliness that is gym-going and the distance from the Brian who was hysterical on the night bus, I'm doing really well.

So being unemployed has its perks. I've been reading some heavy bits of work lately. So far I'm about half way through the Supreme Court Brief on the D.C. gun Ban. It's rather interesting and so far the dissenting opinion makes a valid argument. In essence they say the Majority is constructing a new foundation on which to bas their argument which is an awful precedent to set. Court decisions should evolve, not start anew,

Anyway I'm also reading a book I got in Brighton called The War against the Weak, It's about America's campaign in the early 20th century to eugenically cleanse the US of "undesirables". Again also pretty deep. So far I've learned that Rockafeller and Carnegie were Huge supporters of it and donated lots of money to the cause, and that genetics evolved after the war from eugenics after everyone realised what Hitler had tried to do, which was in essence a Eugenics campaign started from an American foundation. Opps.

But aside from that I mostly sit at home and entertain myself in free ways. I can't really afford to do much else.

Tomorrow is going to be long, and tiring and awful.
I'm going to pretend that it isn't actually part of my life and that somehow it never actually happened. I just fell asleep in Brighton and woke up in Melville. If wishing made it so...

How quickly 9 months flew by, it was just yesterday I was wandering Heathrow lost and disoriented. Now I'm sitting in bed generally sad about leaving what is everything I've known for 9 months and returning to things I vaguely remember as my own. It will be okay.

In other more boring but hilarious news. I totally read my flight time wrong. It leaves at 4pm not 2. So we get to leave at 10 and not 8. That's a lot nicer. Also realised I've packed away my deoderant and have no idea where I even put it. No doubt buried deep within the very bottom of my massive suitcase. Figures now that I'm all packed and ready to go I think of oh yeah personal hygiene happens everyday!

Anyway, It has been so educational England, I've learned so much. Some lesson I rather I had not, some I needed to, all though ones that I will hold dear and remember always. Thanks for all the cute accented boys, I'll be back often. See you on the flipside. x


(on a side note: Note the time. 1:09am GMT. I'm already crying. I can't wait to see British Reaction to open displays of emotions. If I weren't the one actually crying I would be the one laughing at the awkwardness in their reaction.)

There is so much to write here and I can't really find the will or words to record them. Partly out of exhaustion and partly out of fear that I'll just break to pieces.

I'm tremendously thankful that Aoife is driving me to the airport. I know I'm going to be pitiful and teary and sad when I say good bye to her. There is a certain indignity to crying on public transport and I've already had my fair share of it this term. I'd like to leave England without adding more modes to the list.

How has 9 months of my life dissolved away so quickly. I know I'll be upset, I'll get through it. I've survived worse sadness in this past 9 months than I think I'll face in the next few. It's just so hard, So incredibly impossible to begin to understand that this is over. That there is no going back. It seems impossible to know or understand that until the week or day it actually does. How do we begin the process of telling ourselves that our life as we know it is over. I suppose though, our life is ever changing, ever ending and ever beginning. There is no stagnation. There seems though to always be the development of routinue and comfort of familiarity and when that is threatened or ends it is horrible. There is no consolation prize. You get what you can grab.

My feelings in general are overwhelming and disorienting. I have this dual desire to both hug and drown in the bath tub my time here. I will never forget the past 9 months, and they've have very much become a part of me.

My solace is that I'll be back for 2 weeks for pride and that will make more gentle my return to America, where I will very much be a stranger in my own country.

So watched Eurovision. It was fantastic and had lots of fun, drinking violently neon coloured drinks with a few mates and my flatmates. I went dressed in uber eurotrash. It was amazing.

Also I found out something about someone else and their treatment of me and attitude towards me, and its not fair that they should have to do it. It's nice to be coddled I suppose, but it's not fair, and that's something I don't like living with/under. I'm taking a step back, I'm not sure whether emotionally or physically,but it's only a month and time is too precious.


Oh and I know at least one person who would appreciate this, So was setting up the dips and such last night and figured I'd read through the guacamole and apparently they put milk in it (wtf?), so I quickly whipped up fresh yummy vegan guacamole-ish. And btw it was gone by the end of the evening while the store bought stuff sat lonely and full. Success!

So I've just gone througha chunk of my latest journal entries and have screened them from all but Friends whom I have friended.

Sorry if I haven't added you, it could very well be an oversight let me know.

I never intended this journal to become public. As those of you around long enough to read it fully, this is the place Brian comes mostly to document his crazy, rambling and drunk, and occasionally life happenings. Because I considered it private (as private as a journal broadcasted to the entire internet can be) I wrote what I was thinking or feeling, unedited, unrationalised, often times rational-less. In fact 9 times out of 10 most of what I write here has no bearing on fact or how things really are, but as I said because I had anonymonity here I have never apologised for what I wrote, because it never hurt anyone, in essence it stayed in my head and in my reader's heads.
This isn't the case anymore, a previous entry detailed the night I had had with a dear friend who I absolutely adore, things happened, ect. I came home and wrote, drunkenly the craziness I was thinking and then went to bed and never paid mind to it. Unforetunately, she somehow came across it and it for good reason really upset her. I had already spoken to her and everything was a-okay prior to her reading it. I'm not justifying anything here, but if I knew that this had been locally public I'd have both kept this up to date, and well, made it less crazy. We don't let others read their journals tucked under their pillows, because sometimes we say awful things we don't mean and regret the next day, this is very much the case.

Again, I'm very sorry.

I'm not the happiest boy right now.
Was supposed to go dancing with Emilie and have a replica of the amazing night we had last time but that went a bit off track.
We made plans to go to revenge, get our hand stamped, and then head to the pav tav, an indie place. Anyway. we do all that and Emilie decides she's going to text one of the guys she had been chasing maybe? I'm not sure. So next thing I know we're looking for him in the pav tav and so then we head back to revenge and enjoy the drag queens and everything. Then we're dancing for a bit and she decides she's going to leave me for a bit to go back to find that guy.
Yeah that's not okay. And basically anyone I was possibly interested dissolved into thin air and I was surrounded by 30 something men who were all shirtless.
That was very lame.
Finally gave up and went to where she was and its obvious she's going home with him and well that leaves me sort of screwed.

Fantastic.
So once again I found myself wandering around Brighton incredibly upset and wanting to just get home which like last night turned into me taking an uber expensive cab ride home.

I think I'm going to stick with socialising with my work and generally not talk to anyone. There's no shame in that.

I finally finished the paper from hell, well not hell, but maybe from some place mildly awful.
Basically today involved finishing up my paper, meeting up with Helena and doing the dissertation dash with her and Aoife. Came home and collapsed on the couch while Aoife worked on her paper. After spending a craptastic load of time in a semi-coma state I went over to Nicole's for a visit.
Was fun, played cards and then had my tarot cards read by Nicole which was fun, intriguing and rather enlightening. If anything I think they gave me something that I hadn't really had in a while and that's special. Hope is something special and a glimmer is all you need!

I hope this summer is nice and I hope that the cards were right. A nice summer fling or more would be nice. This summer should be great.

I write this as I hurtle at break neck speed towards Brighton.

This week has been anything but boring and without stories, today of course wanted to up the ante of what not boring could really look like.

First on my flight which was very nice as I had three seats to myself, was a woman from Slovenia who was being deported to the UK (as that was the last country that had accepted her prior to her attempt to gain entry to the US. Well she spent the first half of the flight ranting and raving about the crimes INS had committed against her as an EU citizen, and that she had done nothing to be deported, (which might I add came immediately, they didn't even let her past passport control.)
What likely happened is she thought Slovenia was included under the US Visa Waiver program, which a majority of EU member nations are, but the EU collectively is not. So that was fun.

Then it was my turn. I must've gotten the head Passport checker as she went through my entire passport and read me the riot act saying I must've lied to previous agents and that I should have had a year long visa and that she didn't know how I was granted leave for entry to begin with. (which is all correct and I should rightfully be on another trans-atlantic flight as both my visa is expired now [from my stolen passport] and I'm not in a six month course, after I extended it for the full year.I sort of had an "oh god" gut reaction when I was walking to the train station last week, but discounted it as both Brian's tired and I had stamps! Lots of Stamps! Opps!

Anyway after a good talking to and me losing all colour in my face and getting a stamp saying she told me off, I was sent on my way to Baggage claim, where a whole team of customs officials were gleefully awaiting for me.
Now I certainly did not smuggle into the UK large amounts of food and beverage, That would be wrong and stupid. And I certainly did not smuggle in melatonin which although happily legal in Ameri-cah is a prescription drug here. But in a hypothetical situation where I was nearly just deported and was in fact smuggling large amounts of everything it would be my luck that HM had given out the quotas for the month and her officials were delighted in the prospect to ruin someone's day, i.e. me.
Fun Fun Fun.
So anywho get my bags and proceed to the nothing to declare sector because I figured I had nothing to declare that I wanted seized. On either side of the gate though were a few of HM customs officials gleefully (as I said) picking people out of the crowd to rummage through their unmentionables pulling out bits of string and paper no doubt and then give them a good talking to.
Thankfully I squeaked by no thanks to the two fuckwads in front of me who thought the section was the start of a tour route through which they should casually glide, savouring each and every moment to relay back to their friends and family when they eventually return from the 6 month visit of the North and South Terminals of Gatwick Airport. No doubt accompanied with cases and cases of slides

Oh well, I guess I can never say that being a white male has never done me secret favours (let's pretend this is the first time I've ever depended on looking like what a 'good law abiding citizen' should look like. to squeak by.)

So now I'm not allowed to leave the UK until I leave the UK and have a pretty stamp that says I was told off, but I suppose this is another example of the perks of privilege and no doubt even a bit of dumb luck.


[As an aside, I just realised this makes me out to be such a criminal]

So I'm going home.
I've already booked the flight.
I'd like to say I did this when I was drunk, but I am sober as a stone right now.
Its something that I had to do.
Tah England!

I really have no idea what's going on.
No seriously I really have no idea which way is up anymore.
But what's weird is I really don't mind, in fact I had this warm happy feeling earlier that made me just feel so content and at peace.
I am thought really enjoying being married to Brighton (it both avoids the problem of creating a relationship for 2 months and then ending it, and allows me to sleep with whomever as long as they're from Brighton as it will be in a long term relationship [under the auspices that they're part of Brighton!]) Yes its a bit of a load of poo, but It lets me sleep at night. And who doesn't love the Queen Elizabeth I-esque type deal, the history makes me wet with joy!

But it would be nice to know what the hell is going on with me and in general. Yes, Please, Thanks.

That's all.

I can't sleep.
I just wrote my mother a 3 page letter. It was honest and frank and I've told her everything that has happened this year in merry old england. I'm not sure where this will go and I'm not sure I want to see where it goes but its time because lets face it a gay boy needs his mother, if not to cry to, than to dish the gossip to.

I will let Aoife read it first though.
Off I go now to try to sleep.

Uh, So I just went out with nicole and made out with some random stranger how loved my thighs and my tongue and my chest and going into my pants. It was weird.
I went home with nicole and that makes me feel really good, because I am not that type of person to sleep in stranger's beds. Really I'm not and I realise this. I don't want a one night stand and I don't think I want to sleep with someone I just met in a club who's qualifications are breathing, attractive and grinding up against me.
Seriously, I hope I remember this in the morning. I really do.

I know and accept the fact that I live in a happy gay bubble of Brighton. Jersey for all its beauty and quaintness is not.

Saturday was a rough day in terms of Jersey's and its acceptance lgbts. These are Islanders I suppose. It was just very narrow minded of them and I felt like I was in junior high with the behavior of some in one of Jersey's big clubs in St. Helier. But as silver lining on the cloud that was Saturday, we left that club and went to Jersey's only gay bar/club and had general fun albeit shortened because of day light savings. More so, the fact that I now have a new friend and maybe more in London but from Jersey is a nice plus. I have mixed feelings about him and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm content right now.

As another plus. Jersey airport offers free wireless so I'll give it that.

I've been having so much fun.
Went to a castle on the island today and before that went into towna nd bought loads of clothes. Well not loads, byt Topman had sales and as we all know Brian likes cheap clothes. I got socks, a tie and scarf for £2.70!

Then we went to meet Emilie's College friends, 17 of them in total. It was fun, and loud and delicious.
Also Emilie has been so kind as to gift a surplus hair straightener to me so now I"m oh so wispy and straight and fantastic. This is fantastic. They're pink and I'm torn between painting them or leaving them.

Tomorrow is maybe breakfast and then out in Town for drunken disasters in Jersey.

Off to Jersey I go.
Just booked my ticket to go to Jersey to visit Emilie. The ever wonderful dancing partner extrodinaire! This should be exciting. I intend to compare the Old Jersey with the New. See if we've made any improvements etc. Just kidding! But It should be a nice little holiday.
I also want to go to Croatia for some reason. Poland with Nicole and maybe Norweigian land, we shall see.

Otherwise haven't done much today, went to the Duck pond and fed ducks out of our hands! Then sat wand watched the top 100 hits of Pat Sharpe. Who knew it'd last 8 hours?! But it's one of those things that it became a challenge to do by the time we got half way through and realised it went until 10.
Snowed, Hailed and Rained today (as well as bright sunshine).

Tomorrow is Easter and I've set up an easter egg hunt for Aoife and I plan on cooking some Pad Thai that will be to die for.